Dear Michael Jackson… When I was little, I thought you were a good guy and nothing more. I couldn’t figure out how the words “Smooth” and “Criminal” applied to a good guy but now that I’m older, I know what you really were.

There are certain people you never want to piss off. The cop writing you a ticket, your boss and the people who have direct contact with the stuff you’re about to eat or drink… I’d like to give you list of what NOT to do to piss off your bartender.

Why do people get all butt hurt when they lose to a girl? I don’t get it. And why is it that all things girly are portrayed as being negative?

I swear I’m not a dominatrix, although I think the innate skills I possess in my specialty could afford me a very lucrative gig moonlighting as one should I choose.

Why are people like OctoMom and Jon and Kate Gosselin celebrities? I’m serious. Who ARE these freaks and why do people care?

I vaguely remembered something about some green thing that turns people all crazy, something about Van Gogh cutting off his ear and then blah blah blah it was banned.

I didn’t really know what the hell X-Men were when I was 12 but based on the name, I was a little afraid it was kind of naughty…

Being Barbie’s bitch has many perks. For one thing, Ken never needed to develop the infamous G.I. Joe “kung-fu” grip.