You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)

I think it’s really befitting the original band that sang this song called themselves “Dead or Alive”. This is exactly how I feel right now. Why? Because I have vertigo. It’s not happy. The following lyrics now have a very special meaning for me and I don’t mean it in a happy way. I have to say that I like the Dope version better although feeling like a drunken sailer minus the copious amounts of drinking is anything but dope.

I will now pay dubious homage to this crazy phenomenon by writing about it in context of this song’s lyrics.

Yeah I, I got to know your name
Well and I, could trace your private number baby
All I know is that to me
You look like you’re lots of fun
Open up your lovin’ arms
I want some

A long long time ago, before I got smacked by the Dizzy Fairy, I used to think Vertigo in Mauraders (from X-Men) had a super lame power. I scoffed at her ability to make people lose their balance. “What a crock of @#%”, I thought. According to your’s truly, I believed everyone else had a much cooler mutant ability…that is, except Jubilee. I’m sorry, little girl, but making sparklers shoot out of my fingertips isn’t exactly something I’d be jumping up and down with joy over. If I admit that Vertigo pwns me, I’m wondering if I’ll suddenly be cured. Let me see.

“Vertigo, I’m sorry I thought your powers were uber lame. Please get off my back, take your army of angry midgets out of my head because the migraine they’re giving me on top of you making my world tilt like those super unsafe carnival rides is not a happy combination. Your powers own everything and everyone in this world.”

…yeah, no. It didn’t work.

Praying to Vertigo is not the same like praying to the Porcelain God. There is no relief.

Speaking of puking, this insane whirling is making me super nauseated. Sexy, I know. Too bad vomit green is not my color and does not flatter my complexion. Come to think of it, that color flatters nobody unless you happen to be a leprechaun.

Well I…I set my sights on you
(and no one else will do)
And I, I’ve got to have my way now, baby
(and no one else will do)
And I, I’ve got to have my way now, baby
All I know is that to me
You look like you’re havin’ fun
Open up your lovin’ arms
Watch out, here I come

I can honestly say now that I think Vertigo has one of the most fearsome powers I can think of. Why? Simple. This is actually something that can happen and it is some scary sh!t. As I’m typing this out, I find myself leaning like the crazy tower in Piza to the left because somehow, in my messed up world, this is dead center. No joke. I look like a drunken master except I don’t have the crazy fighting skills they’ve honed to perfection.

The practical applications of being able to channel and direct vertigo at your enemies is actually pretty ingenious. They can’t fight you effectively if :

1. They can’t figure out not only which direction they’re facing.
2. Whether or not they’re about to toss their cookies.
3. If they can still stand up.

In one fell swoop, you’ve taken out their aim, their will to fight (because they’re too busy battling the last meal they ate) and their sense of all known direction. Pure genius of epic proportions, I tell you. I can say this because I’m coming from experience.

And what is up with the meds used to treat this having dizziness as one of the side effects. Look. I’m dizzy already to begin with. I don’t need any magical pink pills (no kidding. My tablets are pink) to make me even off center than I already am. And why are the side effects of medications sometimes even scarier than the symptoms they’re supposed to treat? This is not a good system, man.

You spin me right round, baby
right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

Let me describe what it’s like to have vertigo smack you upside the head.

When I laugh, I tend to rear back and my head goes backwards. This is to achieve maximum leverage and lung capacity to let out my haa-haa-haa’s with the most force I can muster.

I can’t help it. That’s how I laugh. I’ve learned that this is not good when you’re suffering from vertigo because it immediately flips my world topsy turvy and I literally can’t tell which way is up versus down.

You know what this feels like? You know that insane ride they have at the county fair or carnivals? The thing with the crazy centrifugal force that literally sucks you up against the wall? And it spins super fast to the point where you swear you’re about to lose your lunch? Yeah. That’s what vertigo feels like but you have to also toss in the loopty-loop of killer roller coasters at times to switch things up every now and then. This also helps to keep things interesting. The terms “Left”, “right”, “up”, “down”, “backwards”, “forward” and “sideways” no longer have any comprehensible and practical meaning for me. Oh yes, son. That’s vertigo.

So far, the only thing I’ve managed to do is not fall flat on my face. I have, however, gone into a complete fetal position in an utterly useless bid to stabilize my world and my equilibrium because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve also ran into a few walls but I swear those suckers jumped out at me. You gotta watch out for those sneaky walls…just like you have to keep your eyes on those pesky flat floors that are determined to trip you when you’ve gotten a wee bit too happy during happy hour. That’s right. I’m on to the ninja-fu ways of completely stationary things. It’s a conspiracy

I, I got be your friend now, baby
And I would like to move in
Just a little bit closer
(little bit closer)

The only practical application I can see for vertigo is for guys to be all “Yo, baby. I got you. Why don’t you lean up against me and I’ll make sure you don’t fall down.” Ladies, just make sure that he’s not a zombie before you take him up on his offer. You never know. It might just be a trap. All the better and easier for him to snack on your delectable brain, you know. Mmm hmmm, uh huh.

All I know is that to me
You look like you’re lots of fun
Open up your lovin’ arms
Watch out, here I come

After this mind bending experience, I will never laugh at Vertigo’s abilities ever again. Think about it. As far as I know, this is the only mutant super power that we can actually experience. To date, I’ve yet to meet someone who can shoot killer laser beams out of their eyes, turn inanimate objects into explosives by charging them with kinetic energy (omg, Gambit…I super heart you) and/or control the weather. Granted, I also don’t know of anyone who can project vertigo out at people but hey, at least I know vertigo exists and knowing is half the battle.

Will someone please get the world to stop spinning? It’s making me dizzy. I’d really like to get off this crazy ride now, mmkaythxbye. Actually, I take that back. It’d be a really bad thing if the world stopped turning on its axis. We’d all be screwed and I’m all about saving the world. Wow, that makes me a selfless, self sacrificing super hero of sorts. I so rock.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. She also has a blog over at MissBonnified.com where you can read more of her musings and confessionals.