Bite Me — ‘Twilight,’ ‘True Blood’ and ‘The Vampire Diaries’?

Eau De Nosferatu

I might not know everything there is to know about attracting humans but this ad sure seems to think that a simple spritz of their cologne will attract one. Now I want to smell this scent because it’s supposed to make me want to offer my neck to some guy with really long canine teeth.

So here’s my question. Why is it that there’s only one for attracting human females? What if you’re a female that wants to attract a human male, huh? HUH?! Yeah. Suck on that one, Ecko and all you other perfume houses. Har har har. Get it? I’m funny.

Ride Me

Harley Davidson and Mini Cooper are saying I can feel the wind in my fangs and outrun the sun if I purchase their offerings. I’m sure if I had a convertible, I’d be feeling a lot more than wind in my fangs. Hell, if I can feel the wind in my teeth then I’m going to assume my mouth is open. Therefore, if my mouth is open enough to let in the wind as I’m zipping around in this topless car, then I’m going to say it’s a pretty safe bet that all manner of other things will find their way into my mouth… like bugs, dust and random leaves. Nothing like a dry, protein rich salad on the go. Yummy.

As for the Harley Davidson… you know… I guess I can kind of see a vampire riding one of these bad boys but you know what I will associate a Harley with? Aaah-nold Schwarzenegger when he was still a bad ass in “Terminator 2.” I don’t know why but I just don’t see vampires who, being the ultimate speed freaks they are just like moi, blasting out people’s ear drums on one of these. These are built for comfort which is why I think they’re called “cruisers” and “fat boys” whereas the bikes I favor are called “crotch rockets” because they go super fast. You know what kind of bike I can see a vampire on with me packed on the back and not as a handy dandy snack hanging on for dear life but because he loves me? I see him on the kind of bike I would want, like a hyper sport bike. One that comes to mind is the Suzuki Hayabusa. That glorious piece of machinery is an eff-ing monster. I love it. I personally want a Triumph Daytona.

Not only are they built for speed and speed demons but they look like alien life forms. Perfect for those who aren’t exactly mere mortals, don’t you think? I do.

You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me

Apparently, Geico, Monster.com and Gillette think they can associate their wares with the Children Of The Night also. Obviously they don’t know much about vampires. First of all, who ever heard of a vampire shaving? They’re basically stuck looking like whatever they looked like before they turned. Therefore, what the hell is a razor going to do against freak chin hairs that will continue to grow despite Gillette’s best efforts to prevent that 5 o’clock shadow? Oh. Maybe that was the point because then the vampires would spend their entire fortunes and the rest of their eternal lives trying to shave what will never stay shaven. Now that’s awesome planning and time management.

And who ever heard of a vampire holding down a job? If you subscribe to the conventional lore of the undead, you know they sleep during the day because they’ll fry the moment they hit sunlight. If you fall under the camp of “Twilight” in which they can roam around during daylight, then this isn’t such a huge problem. The problem I see for monster.com is that they’re tying themselves in with “True Blood” because this particular species of vampires aren’t the same as the ones found in “Twilight”. Oopsies. So, unless they’re saying vampires must work the graveyard shift (har har har) and you’ll make bank during those hours, I’m not sure how this will appeal to me. Maybe it’s because I’m not doing what their tag line says which is to “think outside the box.”

I have also never heard of a broke vampire so why would they need to save money? Hell, they can weather and outlast any recession so what’s a few thousand a year to one who’s undead?

Bottoms Up

The only one I really liked was the one touting the Tru Blood beverage. This one is actually pretty clever and made me haa-haa-haa pretty hard. It’s described to be tart and slightly sweet which appeals to be but you know why I laughed really hard and why I thought it’s so clever? It’s because it’s BLOOD orange flavored. * rolling on the floor *

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. She now has her own blog over at MissBonnified.com where you can read more of her musings and lust of hairless cabana boys.