Heidi Montag Needs To Go Away, Not That I’m Saying I Want Her Dead…

Some people are famous for the stupidest things….like popping out an insane amount of children. Despite what people may say, it takes a lot of talent to raise even one child….much less the amount of children OctoMom and Kate have to deal with. I used to really hate Kate but I changed my mind after reading an article People did on Kate while she was still on “Dancing With The Stars”.

As for OctoMom…..let’s just say I thought it was really funny when she became the newest spokesperson for PETA regarding breedism. Dear God, the irony does not escape me….

I think all mothers who have an active part in their child/children’s life are heroes (yes, I’m begrudgingly including Nadya in this group) but then there are people like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

Who are these plastic people (in Heidi’s case, I mean “plastic” in a literal sense) and why are they celebrities? Let’s examine the meaning of the word. My best friend, dictionary.com, provides the following definition :

Celebrity

1. A famous person
2. Renown; fame

Synonyms : These nouns refer to a widely known person : a social celebrity; the heroes of science; a theatrical luminary; a big name is sports; a notable of the concert stage; a personage in the field of philosophy.

You know….at first, I didn’t think Heidi was a celebrity but now I can see I was wrong. Allow me to explain by breaking down each of the synonyms provided in this definition.

A Social Celebrity

Case in point : Heidi and her parasitic twin….I mean….husband…I mean, separated husband * cough * cough * CAN SOMEONE SAY THIS IS ALL STAGED?! * cough * cough *

If it wasn’t for the IQ killer known as “The Hills”, I would have no idea who these people are. To this day, I’ve zero clue as to the premise of this show….and guess what? I could care less!

But thanks to the ingenuity of this highly opportunistic pair, they have managed to launch themselves into our daily lives. The odds of a person escaping all mention of either of them is about as good as your odds of surviving without breathing oxygen.

So yes, they are social celebrities. They aren’t beloved by the masses but hey…..they prove beyond a shadow of the doubt P.T. Barnum’s adage “All publicity is good publicity” is true.

The Heroes Of Science

Again, you wouldn’t associate either of them with being heroes of anything but in this case, I’d have to point out that Heidi qualifies. How so?

She proves that it is possible to survive after having over 10 plastic surgery procedures done in a very short period of time. I’ve never had plastic surgery done but now I know, thanks to the brave, vain and possibly neurotic Heidi, that humans can function after having massive amounts of plastic and foreign objects shoved into their body for nothing more than the pursuit of alleged physical beauty.

Thanks, Heidi!

* Please note that I do not think it is a good idea to undergo all those procedures she had in the same amount of time she had and I do not suggest following in her footsteps. I have nothing against those who seek physical beauty but please carefully weigh risks versus benefit.

What she did is extremely dangerous and, really, is it worth it?! I personally don’t think so. Her own MOTHER can’t even accept her and we all know that mothers are the only people capable of finding exquisite beauty in even the ugliest of faces. Uh oh….what does say about Heidi?!! Dun dun duuunnn….

I’m not saying I’m all that and a bag of chips but my mother thinks I’m pretty, my boyfriend agrees but, most importantly, I feel attractive and confident with the body and face I’ve been given. I consider myself lucky. Aaaww….warm and fuzzy feelings.*

Theatrical Luminary

Hm…”The Hills” can’t count because there was no real stage involved…..BUT NEED I REMIND YOU ALL OF HEIDI’S EPIC FAIL IN HER ATTEMPT TO “SING” DURING THE MISS UNIVERSE COMPETITION?

In case you missed it (consider yourself lucky), here it is. I’m sharing it because I want all of you to know my pain.

A Big Name In Sports

Hm…..I can’t think of anything here. The closest thing I can think of is Heidi’s laughable attempt to show Michael Bay how she’s combat training to be in Transformers 3. All that running and firing weapons….* whew * That’s hard work.

So is her uncanny ability to hunt down and ferret out the papparazi. That should count as some kind of sport.

A Notable Of The Concert Stage

Again, allow me to refer you to the 3+ minutes of pain known as Heidi singing “Body Language”. Believe me. It’s memorable. I also want those minutes of my life back.

I am now completely and utterly convinced that I, too, can become a pop star. I just need a really good producer, a synth machine, really awesome 80’s beats and a personal trainer to whip my ass into shape. Who cares about talent?! Heidi’s involvement with the Miss Universe pageant reaffirms my belief that talent as a requirement in being a singer has gone the way of the dinosaurs.

A Personage In The Field Of Philosophy

This is kind of tough. I couldn’t really think of how either she or Spencer could fit in this last category. I wonder if being emo fits in the realm of philosophy. If it does, then all those carefully choreographed and uber emo photos she took right after announcing her split with hubby dearest surely qualifies as a study in philosophy.

We all know the best way to think about the ruins of what a relationship has become is to take scads of ridiculous pictures and then sell them to the highest bidder to show just how much reflecting we’re doing.

—

You know, I wouldn’t be so Team Heidi/Spencer Must Go Away if they were actually doing something with their fame and doing it because they truly believe in the cause. If they were using their dubious celebrity status to better the plight of [fill in the blank], then I could respect and admire them. So far, the only thing I see them doing is trying to convince the general public that they are genuine instead of what they actually are – a pair of laughably transparent, plastic, publicity hungry dolls.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. When she isn’t hating on celebrities she writes in her blog over at MissBonnified.com.