Help, We Have A Biter! A Vampire? A Zombie? No, Just The Kind That Hurts

Going to the dentist is traumatic enough. I don’t know about you but I’m a closet control freak. I’m one of those crazy people who has to look at the needle going in and out of my arm whenever I get shots or have blood drawn. I have this crazy irrational fear that the needle will break off in my arm unless I can keep it in my line of vision at all times. I know how crazy this sounds and know it’s improbable because I’m a Registered Nerd Registered Nurse but still. This is my own special brand of weird ticks.

You can probably imagine how well I react when I have to get shots in the butt. Not. Well. At. All.

All things considered, it should be easily understood why I have a deathly fear of going to the dentist. I can’t see what they’re doing in my mouth! I can see weird tools of torture and doom going in but I can’t visualize what kinds of mayhem and destruction they’re wreaking!! It drives me crazy and then I start a very controlled freak out session complete with cold sweats, silent screaming and gripping the arm rests in a crazy kung fu grip.

Needless to say, trips to the dentist rank up there on Bonnie’s Fun Scale right next to getting a colonic. FYI, I’ve never gotten a colonic nor do I ever plan on getting one. My anti-love affair started at a young age.

Me? Problem Child? Nooo….

I was a very pleasant child in every way….except one. I played nicely with the other kids unless they were picking on the smaller, weaker ones. If I saw them doing that, I would mighty morph into AngryBonnieSmash and beat the crap out of them. ….that’s another story for another day.

I never gave my mom problems aside from climbing and falling out of trees or the random conference with the teachers when I took it upon myself to stick up for the weaker kids in my class. The only times I gave my mom problems were when I had to get shots at the doctor’s office (SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS! EVERYBODY!!!) or go to the dentist.

The doctor’s office story will be saved for another day. Today, I will tackle the dentist.

Hi! I’m Bonnie The Vampire Child! * chomp * chomp *

My poor mom. She’s the best mom in the world and after reading this, you’ll see why.

Like I said, my mom raised me well. I always said “Please” and “thank you” and never talked back to the adults. I was a calm, quiet and well behaved child (for the most part. Hey, I never said I was perfect) until I was seated in the dentist chair. That was when I gave myself over to the Dark Side. Those dentists didn’t seem to know that I tapped their hands because I was trying to tell them they were hurting me and making me bleed. I was trying to get their attention in a non-violent manner but they didn’t get it!

How dumb could you be?! I always wanted to know what they were thinking. If you’ve got some evil, metal weapon of micro destruction in a little girl’s mouth and she’s looking at you with huge eyes while tapping your hand with hers, I’m pretty it’s not because she wants to comfort you.

They didn’t get it….so I bit them. THAT definitely got their attention. My mom would come barging through the door when she heard the screaming because she thought I was the one in pain. Imagine her surprise to see me sitting calmly in the dentist chair and the dentist clutching his hand in pain.

Evil Dentist : She bit me!!!!
My Awesome Mom : Then you shouldn’t have hurt her. I’m sure she tried to let you know she was in pain but you obviously didn’t pay attention to her so it’s YOUR fault you got bitten by my angel.

Evil Dentist : Oh my God…I’M BLEEDING!!!
My Awesome Mom : Again, your fault for not paying attention. We are never coming back here ever again. Oh, yes. One last thing. Don’t even think about charging us for this visit.

My gangster mom then scooped me up and marched us out of the office. The last thing the dentist would see is my face with it’s slightly bloody grin. We never got a bill from those offices.

Rinse And Repeat

This happened a gazillion times. It happened so much my mom was almost out of options for a pediatric dentist in our area. She was getting worried because none of the dentists had worked out and I’d bitten my way through pretty much all of the dentists in the Valley. I had gone through almost every single dentist that treated kids but my mom was determined. Some way, some how via some Tooth Fairy miracle, my mom found Dr. Szu.

I remember solemnly looking up into his kind face and letting him put me in that feared chair. I remember his voice explaining what he was going to do and if I would let him look in my mouth.

My mom was probably sweating bullets waiting the entire time but to her epic surprise, I didn’t bite him.

At the end of the visit, he would give me stickers featuring happy teeth and sugar free lollipops. I thought he was the best dentist in the whole world.

And that’s how I found my dentist. Up until recently, he was my dentist for my entire life and our family became friends. I remember going to his office and watching his two sons goof off with the equipment. I remember thinking “Wow….boys are weird….” only to end up dating my dentist’s first born son for a few months my freshman year in high school. That was puppy summer love at its best but, like all summer loves, it died a few months into the fall.

It was weird dating a boy who I used to see run amok in his dad’s office. The only thing weirder would be when his son, my ex boyfriend, working on my teeth many many years later for a few months as a dentist in his dad’s office. That was surreal.

Don’t worry. I didn’t bite him either. :D

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. Like “Twilight’s” Edward Cullen, she bites only when she has to. You can read more of her musings over at MissBonnified.com.