Helpful Hints From A Retired Female Bartender

How To Annoy Me

When I’m at work, I’m working. Now, I like to have fun as much as the next person when I’m stuck at work but there are some things I consider “fun” and some things I consider “not so fun”. Making me guess your age when I ask you for your ID does not fall under the “fun” category. Actually, it falls under the I’m-about-thisclose-to-opening-a-40oz-of-Whoop-Ass-on-you category.

Jeezus, people. We are not playing 20 Questions nor are we playing Hide-the-ID-and-Piss-Off-Bonnie- While-We’re-At-It but if you want to play that one, then I’m game. Just don’t be sulky when I tell you what I really think because the way I see it, you’re asking for it. Ladies, this is not the time to be coy about your age. If you’re engaging me because you just turned 21 but the amount of time you spent under the sun has turned you into George Hamilton’s imaginary twin, Georgina Hamilton, I’m gonna tell you exactly how old I think you are and BlackJack ain’t it. Therefore, if you don’t want to get all butt hurt because of my honest appraisal of your age, then do me a favor and gimme your friggin ID. Thank you.

My Name Is Not 411 Information

I love it how people will wander in the bar and ask me all sorts of questions like “Where can I find this restaurant?” or “Do you know what kind of restaurants are in this area?”. Do I look like the Yellow Pages or something? Just because I stand behind a counter does not automatically mean I’m some kind of All Knowing Goddess of the Almighty 411. It is so hard to not give in to the urge of pointing them in the wrong way and rattling off a set of directions that would make them drive around for hours in a big fat circle. Why do I not give in to these urges? I hear that Payback’s a biznatch.

I’m a bartender. I work in a bar. I dole out booze. I am not Yelp. Do not confuse the two.

For God’s Sake, USE YOUR WORDS!!

Don’t come to the bar and just stand there. If you come up to the bar, I’m going to assume it’s because you want to order a drink. So PLEASE do not be surprised if I go up to you and ask you what you’d like to drink. Why is this such a difficult concept for some people to grasp? Okay, you rejects. There are other places to stand if you want to scope out the crowd. Approach the bar only if you want to order something. Do not just stand there, take up valuable space, gawk like a fish out of water and blocking other people who might actually want to reach the bar because…oh, I don’t know…they actually want to get a drink?!

I also hate those idiots who asked me for “a beer”. Last time I checked, there isn’t a brew named “A Beer” so unless you know something I don’t, kindly specify which one you’re referring to because my ESP connection with what passes for your brain isn’t up and running.

How To Make Me Want To Spray Cranberry Juice At You Because It’s Sticky And Will Leave A Stain

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to get my attention by POKING ME IN THE SHOULDER WITH A MENU, PENCIL, FINGER OR ANYTHING ELSE!! For starters :

1. That’s battery and assault. Hey, a pencil can be lethal weapon in the hands of a trained NinjaFu master and how do I know that you aren’t?
2. That is the fastest way for any harried bartender on a busy night to instantly mighty morph from Amused to Angry Hulk.

People who do this makes me wonder how the hell they ever managed to graduate from Kindergarten. Wasn’t one of the rules “Keep your hands to yourself?” I’ve had people grab my thigh as I passed their table, pull my skirt so hard it almost ripped off and/or tug on my hair. What. The. @#%..

Listen, dippity-doo-freaks. Wait till we turn around or, here’s a thought, wait your turn. I’m busy. There aren’t that many of us behind the bar while there are hordes of you thirsty people on the other side. Patience is a virtue. Waving bills of large denomination my way does not mean you’ll get my attention any faster. And how is that supposed to be smart move? It’s dark. I can’t see what you’re flapping around. Put that ish down unless you really want everyone in the bar to know exactly how much money you’re carrying, genius.

Do not get my attention by yelling “HEY!!” at me. I will not answer to “Hey” or “Hay” because I am not a horse. I know “Excuse me” has two more syllables than “hey” but if you want my attention, then be nice and I’ll be nice to you. If you want to be a moron, that’s fine too. I hope you’re not thirsty and you don’t have to get back to your friends right away because you’re gonna be waiting there for a while. Thanks.

Know Your Limit Because, In This Particular Case, It’s Not The Sky

There is nothing sexy, cute or endearing when you’re a sloppy drunk. You do not get bonus points for puking. In fact, all those brownie points you worked so hard to accumulate are instantly out the window and you’re now in the red. Congratulations. It might be funny for your friends who get to take photos of you in your drunken glory and put it on blast all over the internet but it’s not funny when you’re the one behind the bar who has to babysit you. It is not fun to have to explain why you’re cut off, pick you up off the floor, flick in you in the forehead so you don’t keep mistaking me for a warm pole you can rest your weary, drunken head on or why the Happy Bouncer Dude is here to escort your ass out of the bar. So do me a favor. Know your limits.

We’re all here to have a good time so if you keep these little tidbits in mind, that’s what we’re all gonna have regardless of what side of the bar you’re on. Just please don’t puke. It’s not attractive nor is it fun.

Oh yes. Don’t drink and drive because that’s never a good idea unless you actually like having your license revoked and think prison cots are super comfy. If you do….yeah, I don’t know what to say to you because I r teh responsible.