I Am Cougar. Hear Me Roar. * rawr *

I’m beginning to think Soccer Moms are either bored or feeling like something’s missing and they haven’t quite figured out what it is. I think they’re looking for that “spark” in their life again because they somehow think they’ve lost it… and they want it back. A few reasons for thinking this:

1. A show slated this fall on ABC with the working title “Cougar Town” and all the other shows with the same theme. According to the Chinese zodiac, this is the year of the Ox but you never would’ve guessed. Judging by what I’ve seen for TV programming so far, you’d think it’s the Year Of The Cougar.

2. Something I read on msnbc.com called “Stiletto Spy School”

3. The popularity of things like pole dancing lessons and S Factor-ish classes taking the nation by storm a few years ago.

Meeee-Ow. No, Really. Watching These Clips Actually Caused Me Pain.

From what I understand, according to the handy dandy table provided by YBMW, a Cougar is a woman age 40 to 59. She also happens to like her men boys this side of barely legal drinking age. I suppose it makes sense. Think about it. A female’s hormones don’t launch themselves into supersonic overdrive until her 30’s and hairless cabana boys are nothing but raging hormones in their 20’s. In a parallel twist, this is also why the Older Man / Young Female equation also works. One’s on cruise control and the other is still in driving school.

You know what I don’t get about this show though? Courtney Cox…as the cougar. I don’t know about you but I don’t know of very many women in their 40’s who look like her. Hell, I don’t know many women PERIOD who look like her. Courtney’s physique at her age can put people my age to shame and her face hasn’t changed that much from when she was on ‘Friends”. In other words, the woman is absolutely stunning…not that other women at that age aren’t but, come on. Courtney Cox as the “average” Cougar? Completely believable…. No, that’s not a hint of sarcasm you heard. Then again, if i had access to a veritable army of professionals dedicated to working my ass out and buffing every inch of my body to perfection, I’m sure I’d look like her when I hit her age…maybe…sort of…

I also don’t get the current fascination with all things feline, slinky and predatory in relation to the hunting preferences of older women. What’s the big deal? Or did we all get tired of watching the old men bag the sweet, young, clueless thangs? I blame it all on “American Pie” and the introduction of a term known as MILF [And thank you John Cho for that! Of course we must never forget the Mrs. Robinson -ed].

Maybe I’m kind of old fashioned but isn’t this kind of embarrassing? I mean, I hate it when people stare at me when I’m eating because I feel like one of those creatures in the zoo…albeit a very lovely creature but a creature nonetheless. This is why I cannot fathom why anyone would willingly come forth, admit they’re a cougar and then allow themselves to be filmed in all their fading glory as they hunt/stalk their prey.

It’s painful for me to try to understand this because I want to scream at them “Where is your PRIDE, WOMAN?!” When I say “pride”, I don’t mean like a pack of these older women where they’re out together on the prowl for fresh meat.

I can’t figure out which one is worse – “Cougar Town” or “The Cougar” on TV Land.

The horrible exchange that I assume was supposed to be an example of “witty” dialogue was actually penned by a hired writer for “Cougar Town”. What’s scarier is knowing these people might’ve actually thought it was funny. Case in point – when Courtney Cox’s character tells her friend “Wow, you look like a whore” and her friend actually takes that as a compliment. That’s scary. What’s also frightening was that someone waaay up there in the TV Land hierarchy actually thought it would be a good idea to go through with the unscripted reality TV catastrophe known as “The Cougar”. * shudder *

Grrrrl Power Dance Dance Revolution Style V2.0

The Stiletto Spy School is a weekend class that’s supposed to unleash and free every student’s trapped, dormant, inner Bond Girl. Through the course of a few short days, they’re gonna mighty morph from Ho Hum Plain Jane into Super Fly Super Spy. According to msnbc.com, they’re getting schooled in everything from “hand-to-hand combat to seductive dancing, SWAT team-style firearm skills to keeping a poker face among high rollers at casinos”.

I get the tongue-in-cheekiness of the class because what female doesn’t want to feel like a Bond Girl? A Bond Girl, like diamonds, are forever. I get how this could be just a fun, tee-hee-hee thing you do on a Girls Weekend or something but I don’t get how this has much of a real world application to it. One student said, after the knife fighting segment, that it empowers women and teaches them how to protect themselves.

Okay.

First of all, how realistic does she think these ‘sparring” sessions are? And if she really wanted to know how to protect herself, then wouldn’t it be a better idea to just take a self defense class? I say this because I was all Karate Kid back in the day. I never got a black belt nor did I bust a Daniel-San and TKO someone with my killer Crane Kick but I did learn a thing or two.

1. Kata was something I sucked at. I understand the theory behind learning the forms but c’mon…since when were fights ever that choreographed unless it’s a stunt scene? No opponent is ever going to stand there as docile as Bambi while you’re trying to figure out if you’re supposed to go on the defensive or mount a killer offense via spinning kicks executed with Chun Li style and grace.

2. Weapons were fun but not exactly practical.

I’m not Jackie Chan and neither is 99.9% of the general public. There is no way I’m ever going to figure out how to turn dental floss into a lethal weapon.

I’m also never going to figure out how to turn my killer hoop earrings into some debilitating extension of myself when push comes to shove. While I was better with the weapons than I was at kata, I couldn’t see any real world application with my weapons of choice – the bo and/or sai. Face it. There is no way I’d ever find a gigantic fork or wooden stick perfectly proportional to my height when I need it.

3. Sparring was what I was good at despite the fact that I’m a lover and not a fighter. Har har har. This is the most practical application I could think of from the few years I actively trained which brings me back to my original point. If these women actually wanted to learn how to protect themselves, I would think self defense classes will trounce a weekend long class that mixes stiletto shoes (even the killer cute ones) with spying.

And when, exactly, do they think they’ll ever get to utilize their newfound skills shooting all SWAT style?

From reading the article, the only questionably useful thing I can see them learning is how to dance seductively…but hell, all they have to do is hit the clubs like a good cougar and watch the 20-something chicks on the dance floor. If they’re not up to braving the clubs, then all they have to do is turn on MTV and watch some music videos. They can learn everything they need on how to dance like a vixen from the privacy of their own home while in pajamas, hair fully secured in rollers and with a martini in their hand! Omg, so win!

Oh, wait. That’s right. They can’t do that anymore because MTV (MUSIC TeleVision) no longer plays music videos. Silly Bonnie.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. She also has a blog over at MissBonnified.com where you can read more of her musings and why she is the steal death and destroyer of worlds.