MissBonnified Breaks Down What Your Drink Says About You

Back in the days when I was a naive college girl (haa haa haa….oops, I laughed out loud. My bad), I spent some years behind the bar as a bartender. This gave me great insight on not only human behavior (people are absolutely retarded when they’re drinking. Don’t even get me started on drugs) but on what a person’s drink says about them.

The reason behind this post is courtesy of my brother. He just recently turned 21 and wanted to know what he should drink. Like all young men who wants to impress the ladies (although I don’t know how much impressing he’s planning on doing since he’s got a new girlfriend who I actually LIKE….Thank God…I won’t have to go postal on her ass), he wants to know what kind of drink he should order so that he won’t look like a weenie.

So here you go!

* This has not been scientifically researched and is pretty generalized. This is simply based upon my own observations so don’t get your panties all in a bunch if you don’t like or agree with what you’re about to read. *

Pour Some Sugar On Me

Purple Hooter
Sex On The Beach
Fuzzy Navel
Buttery Nipples
Kamikaze
Blue Kamikaze
Amaretto Sour
Midori Sour
Malibu Rum
Malibu and Pineapple
Malibu and Sprite
White Russian *

* I think of these as potential Barf Bombs. Why? Dairy and alcohol do not mix well in the tummy. It curdles. Add in a vigorous shaking movement courtesy of shaking your ass to the hottest club song and pretty soon, you’ll be heaving chunks of what looks like cottage cheese. Hooray!! *

Nothing screams “I’M UNDERAGE” or “I’m new to drinking” than drinks like these. Why? Easy. You can’t taste the alcohol. Therefore, it tastes just like juice and you drink more! And that’s where the danger comes in. Drinks high in sugar like these make the alcohol go in your bloodstream a lot faster.

These generally are the kinds of drinks underage girls get so if a girl orders this from me, I’m gonna card your ass. If I see a guy buy these, I will not only card him but I’ll be watching who he gives it to and then I’ll have Happy Manager Man go and investigate. Yeah, I was a bitch like that.

Tropical Drinks

Anything that requires me to blend it.
Anything that requires me to stick a friggin paper umbrella in it.

You are the kind of annoying I really want to slap. You’re like all giggles and no brain. Life is a bunch of bubbles, rainbows and leprechauns who don’t guard their pots of gold very well. You tend to require too much attention that is reasonable from any one person. I say this because making a blended drink takes a crap load of time. You’re basically tied up behind the bar making ONE drink for ONE person while you have a thirsty horde yelling their drink orders at you. This did not make me a happy bartender.

* note – this does not apply if you’re on vacation in some tropical location (or you LIVE in a tropical location), It is then expected for you to drink crap like Tropical Itches, daquiris, pina colada, Lava flows and Mai Tais.

Beer Bongs

People who drink beer fall into one of two categories.

1. You’re broke.
2. You’re really low maintenance and chill.

If you’re a girl who loves her beer over anything else, you probably think you’re one of the guys and the guys treat you like one of the boys. That’s fine if that’s your thing. I like being a girl and being treated like a female. That’s just me. More power to you if you like being one of the guys.

Martinis

ANY martini. I don’t care if they’re a Woo Woo, Apple, Sour Apple, Cosmo, Dirty, Extra Dirty (that’s how I like mine. They also make for interesting conversation starters) or whatever. I’m going to include drinks like the Beautiful in here even though it’s a mixed cognac and not strictly what people think of when they hear “martini”.

Ah yes. This used to be me when I was in my early 20’s. I was never a sugary drink girl. Psh, please. This was me back in my crazy clubbing days which is why I can say this.

When you’re in a club and you’re drinking martinis, you’re pretty high maintenance. Think about it. The martini glass does not scream stable. It’s not exactly designed to hold its contents safely as you navigate your way through a pulsing throng of people. It’s a distinctive glass that commands attention, much like the female drinking it.

It’s not practical, it doesn’t make sense but it’s pretty, it gets noticed and it wants to think it’s sophisticated.

Boys, if you’re drinking a martini in a club, I’m going to think you’re not very bright and that you like wearing your liquor instead of drinking it.

However, all bets are off if you’re in a lounge or restaurant. If you’re anywhere besides a club drinking a martini, the connotation is different. You are now channeling your inner Bond or Bond girl.

Most Bang For Your Buck

Adios MotherF*cker
Long Island Ice Tea
Zombie
Tokyo Tea
Incredible Hulk
Sake Bombs
Apollo 13
Irish Carbombs
SoCo and Lime
Stuff with 151, goldschlager and Jagermeister

You most likely fall into one of the following categories :

1. You party hard!!! WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! Sake to me, baby!!!
2. You’re looking to maximize your dollars with a toxic brew that will get the person drinking it drunk the fastest.
3. You’re crazy. Like, insane in the membrane and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.

When guys used to order these drinks for me, I would smile because I knew they were trying to get me drunk as fast as they could.

Ho ho ho, little did they know about my catalytic liver. Joke’s on you!! Ladies, if a guy orders this for you without asking you what you want, this is usually what they’re trying to do.

Trust me. I’ve seen it too many times. Ditto to the guy who keeps buying girls shots only. Actually, those guys are more honest in their intention….like a sniper going in for a clean head shot. A guy who buys a girl drinks like these are like sneaky ninjas.

Teh Kill Ya

People who drink shots exclusively are a close cousin to the people in the first category except they have deeper pockets. Wait, let me clarify. People who drink shots of good liquor STRAIGHT and not mixed shots (kamikaze, blow jobs, etc) have deeper pockets. Shots are not cheap and, depending on what you’re drinking, will cost almost as much, if not more, than a standard well drink. If you’re drinking shots of Everclear….I will think you have a death wish…and who the hell serves that anyway?!

These are also the people who like to party. They also live for the moment, live in the present and take life minute by minute. They’re not usually the kind of person who really thinks about later nor do they tend to plan ahead.

People who only drink tequila shots and nothing else are insane. No, I’m not *really* speaking from experience….aaaanywaaaay…..

The Green Fairy

You’re exotic. You’ve also got a few screws loose. You probably don’t like things to be conventional or you like to experiment.

But damn….once you’ve kissed the Green Fairy, there’s nothing else quite like it….

The Classics

Vodka Tonic
Gin and Tonic
Jack and Coke
Rum and Cokie
Scotch and soda
7 and 7
Greyhound

You’re pretty stable. You’re chill but you’ve learned how to appreciate things in life or you’re learning. You’ve learned how to sit your ass down and relax. You’re pretty easy going and, for the most part, you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Sure, you get into trouble every now and then and you don’t always make the best decisions but you tend to think things through more so than your Adios drinking / Patron Only peers.

You might not be perceived as the most original, exciting and or “fun” person in the establishment but you most likely also won’t be the one who has the dubious honor of being the first person the bouncers kick out for being retarded. However, the ability to think is inversely related to how many drinks you’ve had. Keep that in mind.

Straight Up

Scotch
Cognac
Whiskey

* when I’m talking about these, I’m not referring to the kind you can buy by the barrel or by the jug. That falls under “Most Bang For The Buck”. I’m talking top shelf stuff here, people, not the crap winos drink. *

You drink these either neat, with ice and/or water. If you’re pretty young (like in your early to mid 20’s) and drinking these in this way….you are a rarity. This stuff isn’t something you grow to love. It’s an acquired taste. Usually when people start drinking these, you’re in your late 20’s or 30’s. I was in my late 20’s when I started drinking scotch neat. I didn’t like it when I was in my early to mid 20’s.

Usually if you order this, you’re very chill. You don’t give a rat’s ass what people think and the confidence shows. You drink what you like. You know how to savor and enjoy life in all its complexity because that’s what you do when you drink a good scotch or cognac. It’s meant to lingered over and savored. You’re not supposed to shoot it.

Well, you could if you like but I think it’s a shame to waste something so wonderful.

As always, when you’re drinking, don’t drive. That is no bueno. Know what else is not fun? Getting a big fat DUI ticket and having your ass locked up behind bars. Be safe when you’re drinking, people, and remember. You are not Superman, Batman or [insert favorite childhood super hero or villain of your choice here]. I don’t care what your underwear says so play nicely when you’re out.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. When she isn’t bitch slapping guys ordering tropical drinks or trying to get you completely s$#tfaced she writes in her blog over at MissBonnified.com.