Never Give A Bible Thumper A Megaphone

Over the weekend I was in an art show that exhibits all different types of nude artwork. I myself, draw very large charcoal nudes. Lots of people were there for the evening of festivities….including one feisty protester. Seeing this lonely and annoying person made me think…. one should never give a bible thumper a megaphone! Better yet, NO ONE should use a megaphone except for cops, team coaches and tour guides. The world is crowded enough with everyone’s opinions. You don’t need to shout it over a megaphone. Take me, for instance: I write my bitchy blogs and entertain or piss off those who chose to read them. I don’t shove it in your face. Maybe I’ll go to a church event and read smut through a megaphone. It could be amusing.

Instead of getting annoyed I should look at it as an opportunity for enjoyment and fun. Isn’t that what a life of sin is all about? Here’s my list of the top 10 things to do when a religious protester is present in no particular order.

* Contradict everything the protester says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
* Throw yourself at their feet on your knees and cry “I have sinned! Save me!”
* Set up a safe zone for the protester with orange cones (safety first) and then re-enact the crusades around him with nerf guns.
* Construct a make-shift Golden Calf out of Paper-Mache dance around worshiping it
* Get 10 friends (If you have them) and put together a human pyramid behind the protester. You can always invite him to be the top of the pyramid since that is the closest to the Lord.
* Make some crosses out of popsicle sticks and then light them on fire one by one
* Gather a nearby Sunday school class and have them beat a “Jesus” piñata for candy
* Call all your friends and throw a tail-gating party around the protester and create a drinking game. Every time he says “Satan” take a shot. Double shot if he says “Fornication”
* Fill a kiddy pool with pig’s blood and start a line for Satanist “Baptisms”.
* Set up remote control fart machine very close to where he is standing, and just as he is trying to reach some passer byes with his teachings, let out a toot!
* Hire a professional mime to act out everything he is saying. As a back up, he can also pretend to be trapped in an invisible box around the protester and can’t get out.
* Grab a partner and a movie camera, and pretend that you are shooting a scene for a soft core porn, and make it look like the protester is the “Pizza Man” about to enter.
* Stand next to him in a Satan costume and hold a sign that says, “Will work for Souls”