Total Eclipse Of The Heart

My first concert ever was Cypress Hill when I was just a wide eyed and innocent 8th grader at an all girl Catholic school. No. Seriously. I was wide eyed and innocent. I don’t speak for anyone else in my class in that God forsaken cesspool of rampant estrogen.

So anyway. My first concert ever was Cypress Hill when I was 12. My girl, Yooka, and I went together. To this day, I have no idea how I managed to talk our moms into letting us go. I think my epic explanation had something to do with it.

“Oh! Cypress! You know, mom….like the trees? They just talk about trees a lot and about how they grow on a big hill. That’s why they’re called Cypress Hill and why their really famous song is ‘Dr. Green Thumb’! You’d love them, mom….but you can’t got with us because that would make us super uncool.”

That and they probably had no idea what I was talking about because they bought my half baked explanation and our tickets. Little did my mom and I know that another word for a certain smoke-able plant is also known as “trees”. I guess I really wasn’t stretching the truth that much.

So that was my first ever concert. That was pretty epic especially since we ran into B-Real at the local arcade in Honolulu. He was super cool and nice to us. I became a fan fo LYFE!.

So that was my first concert. The last concert I went to? Omg….beyond all that is epic because I went to go see THE DAN BAND!!!

Have no idea who they are? Allow me to school you with the following clip :

That’s right. THEM!!! I GOT TO SEE THEM!!! They are absolutely @$%*ing crazy. I have decided that I have to have them as my wedding singers. Good God, can you imagine?! Haa haa haa!!! That would be insane.

Speaking of insane, you know who is nuttier than a rabid squirrel in a nut factory? THEIR FANS! I’m not kidding about the crazy or the rabid part.

Gotta Love Crazy White People

His fans are seriously some of the most insane I’ve ever seen. There were drunk white chicks doing spazztastic dances in the aisles….on the seats….on each other…on their imaginary friends. At one point, I didn’t know if I should be watching the band performing on stage or all the nutso weirdos all around me. I really wished I had some popcorn.

There was also this very classy guy sitting somewhere behind me to the left would scream out “PUT IT IN HER SH!TTER!!!” every chance he got. Yup. Class. Eee.

Apparently the reputation of Dan Band’s followers precede us because the opening act for the Los Angeles show (I forgot their name. Something either about Carpets or some upholstery thing. I can’t remember) said you gotta love the Dan Band’s fans because they’re always drunk and looking for a gooooood time.

Damn. So the fact that I was only rolling two drinks deep (read : not drunk) must mean I’m a pretty sorry fan. Dan Band, I’m SORRY!!! I PROMISE I’LL BE SMASHED THE NEXT TIME!!! Forgive me!!!

I Really Wanted To Kick Some Ass

Clyde and I had the unfortunate luck of sitting right in front of the SupersonicBitch and her friend, RetardetteTheClown, the entire concert. Before you start thinking I’m being a hater because she’s :

a. drunk
b. rolling off some crazy drugs
c. all of the above

Allow me to explain a few things. I don’t do drugs. That means I’m not envious of people loopier than Saturn’s rings. I also don’t need to be wasted to have a good time. I actually LIKE remembering what my night was like, thanks.

As for her nickname, I didn’t bestow this upon her because I was thinking of the old school 80’s song. You know. The one that goes :

Yeah….no. I’m calling her SupersonicBitch because her voice was so f*cking shrill, I was waiting for bats to come screaming into the venue because they’ve homed in on their Mutant Queen’s call to return to roost.

My ears were bleeding the whole time we were at the show. That’s right, you heard me. THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE AT THE SHOW BECAUSE THE BITCH DID NOT KNOW HOW TO SHUT THE F*CK UP! I don’t think she knew where she was. Why the hell would you go to a concert and TALK the entire time is beyond me.

If you want to pay money to talk for 1.5 hours, I will gladly take your cash and stick you in an old school payphone booth. Hell, I’ll even give you 75 cents so you can reach out and touch somebody on the other end of your lonely ass line.

Seeing as how I can’t be beating people down willy nilly (“Gee, Officer. I swear it was in self defense. What? How do I call shoving my shoe up her nose as self defense? Golly, sir…It’s easy. It was to save my brain from exploding because it couldn’t stand the ultrasonic waves emanating from her pie hole anymore”), I am happy to report I didn’t get arrested for assault and battery.

After a while, I was able to tune her out for the most part and enjoyed the rest of the show. If that creature has a boyfriend……boy, do I ever feel sorry for him.

//end-rant

Dan Band, I will so see you again. The crazy way you integrated your Sk@terBoi dances moves perfectly to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” was amazing….and even though you epic failed at attempting Pink’s “Hi-I’m-A-Water-Sprinkler” move as the finale, I still heart you.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. She writes often in her blog over at MissBonnified.com and when she isn’t being wide eyed and innocent she’s kicking ass and taking names.