No, this is not a story from Florida, it’s actually from Oklahoma where a man was arrested while driving a car and wearing only a thong and a healthy layer of Vaseline. When he was pulled over for speeding, the traffic cop noted that the man also had a porno magazine on the passenger seat. This brings us to a whole new question… who still buys porno magazines?
Her is a better mental picture of what the officer encountered when he walked up to the 54 year old man’s car, directly from the police report:
“…had a bikini thong covering his genitals and had Vaseline covering his hands, upper and lower body parts,” noted Deputy Darryl Beebe. The cop also reported observing an “opened jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty” and a “pornographic magazine in the passenger seat.”
The suspect was: “extremely nervous in a manner that his hands were shaking and his voice was trembling.”
In the end, The suspect admitted to having been masturbating while driving. He then offered to wipe the Vaseline off of his driver’s license for the cop, but, according to the report:
“The deputy, however “refused Kellerman’s ‘semen rag’ and returned to his patrol car.”
Unluckily for the shiny driver, it turns out that his license hadn’t been valid since 1985 and that he had a long police record including spending over 25 years in prison for crimes such as narcotics possession, domestic assault, auto theft, burglary, and escape from confinement.
We may never know how the Vaseline ended up all over his body, but we do know that he’s probably going to be heading back to a place where being caught driving with no license and slippery hands isn’t really going to be an issue.