13 Hostages Freed After Ukrainian President Endorses 2005 Joaquin Phoenix Film

In a story that would be strange in any time but 2020, MSN is reporting that 13 hostages in the Ukraine have just been freed after a several hour stand-off. The gunman, who took over the bus with grenades and an automatic rifle had only a couple of demands. The president of the Ukraine had to publicly endorse a 2005 animal rights documentary, “Human Beings,” narrated by The Joker’s Joaquin Phoenix. Also, he insisted that dozens of government officials admit to being terrorists.

During the course of the tense standoff, the gunman opened fire and threw a grenade at a police drone. While a bullet allegedly whizzed by Ukraine’s national chief of police, no one was seriously hurt during the ordeal.

While politicians weren’t lining up to tell everyone how bad they are, the President did hop onto Facebook to offer an endorsement of the film in question. After speaking directly with the gunman, President Volodymyr Zelenskiy took to social media with a short video that said “The film Earthlings from 2005. Everyone should watch it.” After the hostages were released, the video was removed and replaced with this statement: “Human life is the most important value. We have not lost anyone.”

After the crisis had ended, the Ukrainian interior minister, Arsen Avakov added his own endorsement of the film: “The film … is a good one. And you don’t have to be so screwed up and cause such a horror for the whole country – you can watch it without that.”

“EARTHLINGS is powerful, informative, controversial and thought-provoking. By far the most comprehensive documentary ever produced on the correlation between nature, animals and questionable human economic interests.”