Christmas is only a few days away. Wtf. Where did the rest of the year go?! The thought of Christmas coming didn’t really hit me until my patient decided to flash the hallways with “balls” of holly. In case you’re wondering, I repeatedly tried to cover him up but he wasn’t having any of it. Oh well. You can’t say I didn’t try.
For reasons I can’t explain, Christmas panic kicked in at that moment because I realized I didn’t go shopping for presents. Don’t ask me why it dawned on me at that particular moment. Whatever. That means everyone I have to give a present to will be getting either cash (this is better than gift cards, mayng) or a tube of chap stick (nobody likes kissing dry, flaky lips. Think of me as the Pucker Up Those Suckers fairy elf).
You know what really puts me in the Christmas spirit? Not the sight of all those slaughtered trees in random parking lots. It’s also not the deluge of commercials screaming at me to buy their product or else my imaginary kids will be crying on Christmas day. It’s not the ringing of the Salvation Army bells (I give them all the change I have. It’s a good cause) or seeing all the twinkling lights strangling random houses that reminds me of why California is in an energy crisis. It’s hearing “Santa Baby”.
Yup.
This has got to be my favorite video rendition of “Santa Baby”.
Maybe it’s when Madonna was still all Jersey Girl that cracks me up whenever I hear this song. I love it. Hearing this song made me realize I didn’t write my yearly letter to Santa yet. This year, I’m feeling Brittany from Glee in the sense that what I want isn’t for me. It’s for others.
[insert warm and happy feelings now]
Dear Santa,
So it’s about that time of year. In case you haven’t heard the good news, I’m getting married!! I know, right?! How crazy is that?! Too bad you couldn’t have delivered him to me all wrapped up complete with a bow on his head but then again, I don’t think he’d appreciate being dragged down the chimney I don’t have.
Hm. Yeah, I don’t think that would’ve gone over well…and then I’d have to clean up the ensuing mess.
Santa, so here’s what I’m thinking for this year. Instead of setting out a plate of cookies, I’m going to set out a glass of water and some vitamins! I’m thinking about YOU, Santa! All those cookies can’t be good for your waistline and cholesterol. I don’t want to be the reason why Mrs. Claus is wondering why her husband suddenly keeled over clutching his chest. Besides. Water’s good for you.
You know what, Santa? I don’t think there’s a whole lot I need under my tree this year. Unless you can magically deliver everything I need for a KILLER AWESOME wedding, I think I’m sitting pretty on the “stuff” factor. I know, right?! You’re probably scratching your head and asking yourself, “Could this really be Bonnie? MissBonnified usually has a list as long as Willa Ford’s in ‘Santa Baby (Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie)’.” Usually, I’m writing to you to ask you for a new car, a new yacht (not that I had an old one just laying around or anything) or a phat diamond ring.
Well….so here’s the thing, Santa. I got the new car. That’s right! I traded in my BMW for a brand spanking new Jetta. His name is Bonzai. I also got the ring, Santa!! Clyde gave me the most amazing engagement ring.
The yacht….well….let’s say you’ll work on that for next year. Actually, here’s a video I dug up that kind of lists the things I’d like to see for next year. Please pay attention to the house in LA and NY. Thank you.
Anybody remember Willa Ford?
Whatever happened to her anyway?
So what do I want this year, Santa? It’s actually not something for myself. It’s for charity. I thought about all the wonderful things that happened to me this year, Santa, and I know how lucky and blessed I am. I’m healthy, I have a wonderful family, great group of crazy friends and a man I’m crazy about.
Therefore, what I’d really like this year is to pass on the awesomeness. Instead of stuffing my stockings with goodies, I’d greatly appreciate you sending people over to my Team In Training fund raising site. Maybe my running adventures could give them a great laugh. That would make me happy. Maybe they would leave a comment that I think about as I’m running as the 2011 LA Marathon. Maybe they would make a tax deductible donation to help people battle these diseases.
If you could direct them here, Santa, I’d be so very grateful.
Either way, Santa, I’m a very happy and content girl this year. I’ll bet you’re heaving a great sigh of relief because you don’t have to do anything crazy for 2010. I figure since I’m on your Extra Super Duper Good Girl list this year, I’m gonna get everything I ask for next year! Don’t worry. I’m already working on the list for 2011 and it’s a doozy. I’m sure you’ll have a cow over it. Sweet!!
I hope you have a safe trip around the world and that you don’t get stuck in any chimneys. That would totally suck. Merry Christmas, Santa!! Ho ho ho, Green Giant and all that jazz. Oh, hey! Have you ever considered making the Green Giant one of your elves? I’m sure he’ll fit right in since he’s already green (one of the colors of Christmas) and being a giant means he can reach stuff the elves can’t! Just putting it out there for you to consider, Santa.
Yours truly with lots of love, peace and bacon,
Bonnie Clyde
Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. When she isn’t harassing Santa for presents she writes in her blog over at MissBonnified.com.