1. Division of Chores
If you think I’m going to work a full time job, turn myself first into a human incubator for an alien life form and THEN turn myself into a human cow to provide nourishment for said new life form AND clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry and cook you dinner, I am going to show you how fast my stiletto clad foot can make its acquaintance with your squishy body parts.
This is not 1950. This is 2011. You better get that straight in your head.
2. What To Do In Case Of Emergencies
If you live in Southern California like I do, you are used to the earth a-movin’ and a-shakin’. This does not mean I like it but it’s something I know so I can at least prepare for it.
I’m not talking about these kinds of natural disasters. I’m talkin’ bout potential zombie infestations and what to do if I get bitten by a vampire. So here’s what Clyde and I have figured out so far.
In the unlikely event that REAL vampires exist and I’m bitten, Clyde wants me to bite him too. I thought that was kind of weirdly romantic because I took this to mean he loves me so much, he wants to spend a literal eternity with me. I was giggling a little because I took his request to mean that he couldn’t face the thought of leaving my side as a wrinkled, grey prune while I will still be a ravishingly gorgeous young woman. I got a little dreamy thinking how much he loves me because he wants to stay by my side forever.
Needless to say, he burst that bubble real quick when he said “No, babe. I want you to bite me because it’s not fair if you have all the fun!”
What. The. Hell. Way to kill an otherwise darkly romantic day dream of mine.
* sigh *
We have discussed in great detail what we are going to do when we buy our home. We are going to build an awesome basement apartment in which we can hold off against zombies indefinitely!! I haven’t worked out the details exactly but it involves a lot of solar panels for a regenerative source of energy, some kind of natural water collecting and filtration system (still hashing out the details of this masterpiece of engineering), some way to grow veggies in a bullet proof / zombie safe greenhouse that’s built on concrete (so they can’t dig their way under) and attached to our bunker.
I’m not sure if this is exactly feasible but, hey, a girl can dream. right? Oh, I forgot. We’re gonna have a whole lotta weapons.
We are also gonna stockpile on SPAM like there’s no tomorrow because that stuff lasts forever and a day. :D And it’s tasty.
But we had to think about the unthinkable…what if one of us is bitten and infected?
Thinking about my Clyde turning into a gross, putrefying zombie makes me sad….but I looked him in the face and I told him that I would find a way to save him. I would chain him in the basement while the world races towards a cure and find a way to procure brains for him to eat by raiding the high schools for the preserved brains.
Good thing Clyde already loves pickles.
Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. When she preparing for the zombie apocalypse by stock piling spam and her weapons cache, she writes in her blog over at MissBonnified.com