From The X-Files of A Miss Bonnified, Aliens ARE Among Us…

Ears : These will shrink to barely noticeable holes. I consider this collateral damage because now all information will be taken in visually. We’re already going that way, if you think about it. When was the last time you actually picked up the phone to talk to someone? Okay. Now, when was the last time you emailed, text, instant message, BBM someone? That’s right. I believe I made my point.

Mouth : Because all our information is now transmitted via visuals, we don’t really need to talk as much. Omg, what if another reason why our heads are so grotesquely enlarged is because we’re all telepathic by this point?! Hm…I didn’t really consider that up until now. You know what’s gonna suck the most about having super small mouths? How the hell am I supposed to eat sushi and pizza with a mouth that tiny? Seriously. Someone needs to work on that design a little more, man.

Skin : Wanna know why we’ve yet to see a tan alien and why they’re all so pasty pale? All you gotta do is observe the MMORPG players in their natural habitat – their rooms/basement/PC room. Very little to no natural light infiltrates their environment. Actually, there might no light at all period minus whatever lighting is being thrown off by their glowing super sized monitors of pwnage. This is because any other light source will cast an undesirable glare across their many monitors and then they can’t see as well. No exposure to sunlight = no chance in hell at a tan = super sickly pasty white complexion. Soooo sexy.

Fingers : This is the part where I’m already ahead of the human curve. I have freakishly long, skinny and spindly fingers. People used to tease me and call my poor fingers “Daddy Long Legs” like the spider because they resemble them in many ways. Now I know they were just saying that because they’re afraid and envious that my hands are superior from an evolutionary stand point. Haa haa haa! So why are hands like mine necessary in the future? Simple.

They’ll have to traverse those insanely long touch screen keyboard thingy, pull up, input and manipulate a crapload of data at warp speed. Longer fingers equals larger surface covered.

Skinny fingers = greater chance at accuracy in hitting the desired location and less chance at blunder.

Arms / Legs : The reason why all aliens as we know them have sticks for arms and legs is because they don’t work out much, if at all. I mean, what’s the point if anything and everything you need can be had at a push of finger on some touch screen? It would appear that our state of evolution’s focus is strictly from the neck up. Instead of saying “I like big butts and I cannot lie”, Sir Mix-A-Lot should change his song to the anthem of all the zombies out there. The new name of this super fly track? “I like big brains.” Werd.

Procreation : So how do aliens get their bow-chika-bow-wow on? I have no idea… Well, there was this one clip I remember from a movie I can’t remember (maybe you guys can help me out with this one) where the guy recently woke up as being part machine. Total Recall? I don’t know…somehow I don’t think so. Anyway, there’s this beautiful woman in his room and somehow they decided to get it on. He’s thinking they’re gonna do it like they how they do it on the Animal Channel but to his surprise, she does something completely unexpected. She shushes him, explains that they’re gonna get so busted if they get caught…and proceeds to strip her little finger of it’s casing to expose wires or something. She does the same to him and before he could trip out over the fact that he’s now part hardware, she touches her metal parts to HIS metal parts and presto! 0.01 seconds of pure ecstasy, baby. Anyway, that’s how I think aliens will get their freak on because I don’t even want to think about how they procreate…

Field Trip, Anyone?

So why are they here? Easy. For school projects and for testing purpose. The phrase “testing purposes” is something I’m gonna leave open to interpretation. A non-creepy visual way to explain this is to point you to the Pixar short titled “Lifted.”

As part of my major in college, I had to take Anatomy and Physiology. This means I had to dissect a lot of cats and cow hearts because they share enough physiological similarities to teach me a thing or three about how our human bodies work. So because I’m taking apart various mammals in the name of higher education, I don’t think it’s a really large jump in thinking to assume that encounters of the fourth kind is something similar.

I’m guessing the abductors are probably a bunch of aliens in med school who have to trap, catch and run a whole bunch of tests on humans at our current stage of development because we, like the cats I dissected, share enough physiological similarities to teach them a thing or 5 million about how they work. Or maybe they’re majoring in Ancient Civilizations and because they mastered the art of Time Travel or something.

The difference between me dissecting a cat and these fourth encounters coupled with my theory of evolution? I’m don’t come from a lineage of felines but aliens, on the other hand….dun dun duuun.

Okay, I just thoroughly creeped myself out. I am never setting foot in Nome, Alaska nor am I going to that place in New Jersey where wild turkeys attack.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. She has a blog over at MissBonnified.com where you can read more of her musings and about why we all need to wear tin foil hats when we sleep.