Ken, The Playboy Leach On Barbie’s Ass and Wallet For 48 Years

I’m a little late to jump on the bandwagon wishing Barbie a happy 50th birthday. Dude, I can only hope I look as good when I hit the big 5-0. Then again, if I was made of plastic then I better damn well look that good. I feel like breaking out into song.

I’m a Barbie GIRRRLLLL
LIVING IN A BARBIE WOOORRLLLD
I’m made of plastic!
It’s so fantastic!

Actually, I’m going to have to sing the remix, Bonnie style.

* ahem *

I’M A BONNIE GIRRRLLLL
LIVIN’ IN MY BONNIE WOOORRRLLLDD
I’m not made of plastic!
I’m so fantastic!!

So I’m running around this site when I happened to come across this article about Barbie’s special day and it opened up a whole new world I didn’t know about Barbie. Don’t worry. I won’t start singing the Aladdin song now even though I rock it like no other in the karaoke. Haa haa haa!

Dude. Barbie used to be a prostitute! And she was a doll made for MEN TO PLAY WITH!!!

OMFG!!! My mom had it all wrong. Barbie’s were BOYS’ toys!! I should’ve gotten Optimus Prime!!! VICTORY IS MINE!! MINE MINE MINE!! I’m so going to go buy him and take him home.

You know, it kind of all makes sense now that I think about it. Even when I was just a wee little girl rabidly making up all sorts of adventures for my Barbie, I was always kind of curious as to how she was able to afford her Dream Mansion and Dream Convertible. I mean, I knew how my Barbie could afford it. Duh. It’s called “HI, my mommy and daddy bought it for me to give to her”. But I started wondering how the OTHER Barbies in the world managed to afford theirs.

And now I know. She turned tricks. Hey, it’s all good. Those Dream Mansions, Dream Convertibles and all those killer shoes and outfits ain’t gonna pay for themselves, you know.

A girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do to make it happen especially if she’s got a dead beat boy toy (boyfriend…whatever) in the form of Ken.

That’s right. You heard me. Dead. Beat.

“Bonnie, you’re being too harsh on Ken. Cut him some slack”.

Uh….the one thing I don’t have to do is cut him any slack since he’s got plenty of those. Get it? Slack? “Slacks” as in clothing? Har har har. I’m so funny.

But seriously. Dude’s got more clothes than I can ever cram into my closet for a guy who basically does nothing. So, while I originally wanted to wish her a belated happy birthday, I decided to focus more on Ken instead.

I ran around the Web trying desperately to find some kind of job Ken was able to put on his plastic resume besides being a full time play thing for Barbie. Luckily, I was able to find a few but Barbie held them too. Therefore, we’re going to do a Compare And Contrast because I’m starting to think Barbie got him the jobs he had.

Doctor

That’s right. Ken wen to med school. However, unless he was general medicine, he never claimed a specialty. Just good ol’ generic “Doctor”.

Barbie, on the other hand, held it down as :

Doctor
Paleontologist (dude, could kids even PRONOUNCE this??!!)
Surgeon
Pediatrician
Veterinarian
Dentist
NURSE (yeah yeah, not exactly in the doctor category but this is MY article and I think nurses ROCK!)

Military

Ken ::

Destiny Army
Destiny Marine
Destiny Air Force

How Interesting that Ken was never part of the Navy. Things that make you go “Hmm”. The fact that Ken was ever in the armed forces redeems him in my eyes but dude. Seriously. What did he do in the armed forces besides look awesome in his uniform? Dude. Guys in uniform = uber hawt. Pardon me as I wipe the drool off of my keyboard, mmkaythxbye

Barbie ::

Air Force Fighter Pilot
Candidate for President
PRESIDENT
United States Army Officer
United States Navy Officer
Firefighter
Police Officer

I included the firefighter and police officer in this category because I think anyone who serves to protect are heroes and this includes the firefighters who battle killer flames and the police officers who keep us safe…even as they give me speeding tickets. * sigh *

All the other jobs I found for Ken could be broken down and summed up in the following way:

Ken is into Hawaii and all things related to the beach.
Ken is into sports.
Ken is into “fun times”.
Ken is into fashion.

Ken is into the theatre as evidenced by all his roles in the Wizard Of Oz from 99, Swan Lake and the Nutcracker. Wait, he doesn’t really have nuts per se. He just has a uh….”man bump”. Okay, never mind.

Ken is also very into his hair.
Ken also makes a very good dance partner, especially ballet.
Ken is into partying and having a good time.
Ken is also a rappin, rocking rock star who also likes Route 66 on his Harley.
Ken is cool. Like, Totally. No, I’m serious. He was Totally Cool Ken in 1997.

Ken is always a date….like, that’s seriously the sole reason why he exists for Barbie. Then again, I suppose life could be worse than being an over glorified piece of man candy for the most famous female figure in the world.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander. Not only is she a gifted storyteller and a self proclaimed dork, but she once choked out the Baroness just for fun.

Sources: ezinearticles, manbehindthedoll, slate, listafterlist