I’m in Honolulu for Part Two of my epic birthday month / vacation celebration. My only goal was to get a tan and learn how to surf. It’s sad to have spent so many years here and not be able to do the two things associated with Hawaii besides climbing coconut trees and dancing hula. Yes, I danced hula. No, I don’t spend my days here in a coconut bra and a grass skirt. The bra is also made of grass. Kidding.

I’ve been here for a week. The weather, for the most part, has been cooperative but I’d like to add extra emphasis on the words “for the most part”. You see, I seem to defy all logic and logistics when it comes to tanning. It’s like my skin not only refuses to absorb the UV goodness of the sun but it will actually deflect it. This explains why so many people are blinded when they’re either within a five mile radius of me or when I’m at the beach. I can give the sun itself a run for it’s money.

After literally spending as much time as humanely possible in the sun over the last 5 days, I now resemble what would happen if you swirled in a few drops of delicious Kona coffee….into a huge vat of cream. After all the work I put into sunning myself (I also use sunblock. Skin cancer is so not tasty nor is it sexy), people still ask me if I’ve managed to find time to tan. My feelings are hurt! I have to explain to them every single time that this IS me tanned. So sad. BUT I have the beginnings of a tan line. That means SUCCESS IS MINE!!!! Casper the Friendly Ghost can’t call me a kindred “spirit” anymore.

I can’t figure out what it is. You see, at first I thought it was because I’m Asian but I immediately ruled that out. Most of the people who live in Hawaii are either Asian or mixed Asian. That completely disproves my theory. I also factored in the fact that everyone in my family can tan. Stick them in the sun for about 30 minutes and they turn a gorgeous shade of copper or cocoa. It’s added insult to injury when their tan doesn’t fade for about 8 months.

When I do manage to turn a few micro shades darker, I don’t exactly tan. I don’t turn that glorious shade of burnished copper or even the color of really milky hot chocolate. I look sickly….as in jaundiced. That’s so sad. I look like I have liver issues when I finally manage to get some color. Maybe I should just give up this futile attempt to turn a delicious shade of anything besides whole milk.

You know what I tell myself to make myself feel better? I tell myself that everyone are just haters. They’re just jealous that I’m like a walking, talking human sun when sunlight hits my skin.

They’re just jealous because I can glow in the dark and they can’t.

It’s like I have a super mutant ability and they’re all just regular ho-hum humans.

Can you imagine what would’ve happened if Magneto had tethered my ass to that crazy amplifier thingy in the first bastardized X-Men movie instead of Rogue? I shudder at the thought of all those seared retinas and people clutching their faces while screaming in agony “I’M BLIIIIIINNNDDDD!!!”….but I would’ve scored a totally interesting white streak in my hair…and then maybe Gambit would be mine.


Hey, a girl can dream. As for the surfing? It was an epic adventure and I am proud to say I managed to stand up on a wave for a few seconds my first time ever surfing…right before I epically wiped out in a victory ass plant back into the ocean.

Bonnie N. Clyde is a writer for YouBentMyWookie.com and the alias of the Supreme Commander / Ultimate Destroyer. When she’s not blinding people in Hawaii, she writes in her blog over at MissBonnified.com.

One thought on “Hawaii 5-0 And My Mutant Power”

  1. Hey…few seconds is better than zero seconds when it comes to surfing. Congrats on trying.

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